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*FANFIC* Kim Possible: Campfire Revelations*FANFIC*
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this fic. Jay, Silent Bob, and Rufus all are owned by the illustrious and awesome Silent Bob himself, Kevin Smith and View Askew. Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable belong to Disney, Bob Schooley, and Mark McCorkle. This story is the deleted scene version of the campfire (chapter 9) scene in both the movie and KPD. Reader discretion is advised. Happy Reading. ;) A campfire in the middle of the woods. Kim Possible, Ron Stoppable, Rufus, the dead 13th apostle, and the supposed prophets, Jay and Silent Bob were sitting around it getting warm. "I don't understand why we couldn't stay on the train. We threw those guys off," Kim said. "Very basic strategy. If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there," Rufus told her. "What's with that?" Kim said. "Yeah," Ron said. "Why are we enemies?" Rufus looked at Kim. "Well, I know I percieve the person sent to kill me as an enemy." "I was not asked to kill anybody. Just... stop them from going into the church," Kim said. "And how do you purpose you're going to do that, Kim? Show them your titties?" Rufus asked. Jay looked up from his making of joints to grin. Kim covered her chest with her arms and said quietly, "I've never killed anything before in my life." "Shit, I'll do it," Jay said. Rufus looked over at Jay. "Shut the fuck up, little man! You couldn't kill a pint of ice cream let alone an angel!" he yelled. "Fuck you. I could kill an angel as good as the next guy, motherfucker," Jay said throwing his arm back defensively. Rufus ignored Jay and turned to Kim. "Killing an angel is a two step process. First, you have to cut off their wings, which makes them human. From that point on, it's the same as killing anything else: head or heart, take your pick." Kim sighed loudly. "You make it sound as if it's easy." "The question may be moot. Now, when you were visited by Metatron did you get this feeling down there?" Rufus said mumbling the last few words he spoke. "Yeah..." Kim said. "It felt like somebody..." she searched for the words. "Somebody carressed your hoo-hah right?" Kim giggled-laughed a moment, blushing as well. "Yeah." "I think I felt like something like that," Ron said. "Shut up, Ron!" Rufus said. Ron nodded. Rufus continued speaking. "Yeah, that's what's called the presence. It's an aura angels have, resident from being in the presence of God. Now, when it's absorved into the bloodstream, it usually goes right to the errogenous zones. That's why the angels used to get liad so much back in the day before God took away all their gear. But you didn't feel that around Bartleby and Loki did you?" "No. I mean, I felt something for Bartleby," Kim said. "That's probably the booze." Jay spoke up. "Aw, fuck. You wanted to fuck that guy. What about me?" Jay said. "You didn't feel anything around them, which means to me someone's protecting Bartleby and Loki, shielding them from detection, someone with juice, you should have felt them, but, I'm more surprised they didn't feel you," Rufus said. "Aw, tell me about it. She gave me half the chance I feel all right?" Jay said about Kim, smirking at Bob. "Shut up!" Kim exclaimed. Bob hit Jay, while Ron gave him an extremely dirty look. "What does that mean? I'm tired of all cryptic bullshit. Rufus, I'm physically and psychologically exhausted and I'm ready to kick back and welcome the end of existence, unless you come clean right now. Why me? Out of all the people on the Goddamn planet, why was I tapped?" Kim said. Rufus shrugged. "Family ties?" Rufus said meekly. "Oh, man, that show's funny as hell! Al's peeking like a motherfucker!" Jay said. Rufus, annoyed said, "Biggie!" Silent Bob turned to Jay, grabbed the bag of drugs and threw it. Jay looked at Bob and pointed at him. "You fucking dick!" Bob rolled his eyes and nodded sarcastically. He motioned for Rufus to continue on. "Imagine, you're a twelve year old boy, and one day you're told you're God's only son. But, more than that, you're God. How long do you think it would take you to come to grips with something that huge? Maybe say, eighteen years. In The Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from age twelve to thirty. 12 to 30. Now that's some pretty bad story telling. Where are the volumes of text dealing with the missing 18 years? I'll tell you where, they were offered up as sacrifice to the God of ecumenical politics." "Come on, Rufus. You make it sound like there's some church conspiracy to cover up the 'Truth about Christ'," Kim said. Rufus gave her a look. "Oh, bullshit. Any important material about Christ would give people a better understanding of the nature of God, why would they leave any of it out?" "Because it's all closely tied in with his family," Rufus said. "His mother and father?" Kim asked nodded. "No. Brothers and sisters," Rufus told her. "Wait, wait, wait! Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters. Mary was a virgin," Kim said ignorantly. "Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a man's touch. This is true. But, she did have a husband. And, do you really think he would of stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down, well, that's just plain gullibility." "Mary and Joseph had sex?!" Kim said shocked. She had a shocked look on her face. "All the time! Shit, she was a screamer. Jesus used to tell me stories about hearing 'em through the walls when he was a kid," Rufus said. "So, that's why you got tapped. A Christ was once the salvation of this world before and you're the closest thing to a Christ that's still around," Rufus said. "Meaning?" Kim asked. She was almost afraid to hear this. She looked right into Rufus's eyes. "The blood that flows through your veins shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level with the one you call Jesus. Kim, you are the great great great great great great great great great great grandneice of Jesus Christ." Kim didn't speak after hearing this, neither did anyone else for a good few moments. Not Ron, nor Bob. Everyone looked stunned. It was quiet enough to hear all the sounds of nature in the middle of the woodland area. Then, Jay spoke through the smoke of the joing he was smoking, "So, what would make Kim part black?" Bob nodded dumbly. The End. |
